How Do I Get Out?

These four walls never felt so small. 

It was the long weekend and Kayden had just been picked up by his Grandparents. I just knew I had from 6 pm on Friday until 6 pm on Monday to make it through. It was tough without Kayden at home I felt protected as if things could only go so far when he was around. Now I am alone, my house was oddly quiet and the only protection I felt like I had was gone. There was zero words spoken between him and I. I thought to myself, "maybe he will just disappear into the basement." 

After all it was Friday night and his "business" was good on those nights. So I stayed quiet trying to still process what had happened to the neighbor the night before. I spent the evening cleaning up Kayden's room and the house and watched a movie with the dog. Still I had no phone to call anyone and he had taken my truck keys downstairs with him so I could not go anywhere. I listened every time I heard someone coming upstairs. However it was always just silent. This was completely unnerving it was never this quiet between the two of us. 

It was late and I just wanted to go to sleep and make this weekend pass by faster until Kayden was home. It was the calm before the storm. 

I slept all night exhausted from everything I guess, I got up and my bedroom door was still closed. I could tell he did not come to bed that night. I noticed there was a box of crackers, a few bottles of water, the trash can and toilet paper in my room. I was beyond confused. "Why is this in here," I thought to myself?

My room was small it was at the front of the house with a big bay window and just two small sliding windows below it. That you barely got a draft from because the front porch stuck out from the house. 

I went to open the door and all my thoughts were quickly answered. I couldn't get out. The door was stuck I tried so hard to pull it open and nothing. I banged on the door but he did not answer. The driveway was hard to see from our room so I did not know if my truck was there or not. Do I dare try and brake this door down? It wasn't long before my anxiety kicked in and I was trapped. How long will I be here? How do I get out? All I have is water, a box of crackers and a trash can, that I am assuming I am to use as the bathroom. He must have known he was going to lock me in here. HOW DO I GET OUT! There was no way I could climb through the window it was way to small.

Kayden wasn't to be home for almost 3 more days. 

I have no phone, no tv in our room, no one to contact and no way out. I was trapped and what did he want me there for? I paced around the room until I truly could not hold it anymore and felt completely destroyed when I had to use the trash can. I remember just crying feeling like a caged animal. 

He never checked on me, never made any contact with me. The whole day had passed and all I could do was pace the room and try and sleep. I kept looking out the window to see if anyone would pass by but we lived on a very quiet street. I did not hear my truck leave once today. Which meant while I am in this room he is downstairs running his "business" and most likely high. 

It was Sunday morning my anxiety has gotten the best of me more times than I can count. I just wish I had my phone to call someone to come save me. Wishing to god that I could just pick up the phone and call my parents. Yet reality was I had nothing, no one and no way out.  I hear my truck start and see him pull out of the driveway. I thought to myself I could try and slide this window and yell at anyone to come and let me out. Our front door was rarely locked because he had cameras set up everywhere. I knew he would see me escape but I didn't care at this point! No one walked by but the neighbor. He was black and blue but I did not make a sound because god for bid he would have hurt him even more. He did see me in the window and just kept walking and I don't blame him at all.

I heard my truck come back and my heart started to race. The front door slammed and I just jumped into my bed, wondering if he's going to come in the bedroom door and what is next? Nothing, I was frozen. A knock on the door and all of a sudden I hear him say, "you still alive, you did this to yourself with the neighbor?" I said nothing. 

The monster on the other side of that door is capable of anything. He pounded on the door again and said something I don't even remember and he laughed and walked away. 

I tried to make today pass as fast as I could as I knew Kayden was to be dropped off tomorrow. I was drinking the water as slow as possible so I did not have to use the "trash can" but was running out of crackers. After 48 hours in this room with nothing but silence and terrorizing thoughts, I just wanted out! I cried as the music downstairs was blaring. How could you sit there as if nothing is wrong and just be okay with me locked in this room? Yet he did. 

I woke up Monday to the sound of my truck leaving thank god it was loud, I had put a cherry bomb exhaust on it so you could hear it. I also had a loud stereo in it that he liked to turn up, so that helped. I waited a minute and jumped out of bed, I needed out of this room. I opened the window praying for someone to walk by but no one did! I tried over and over again to open the door and it just would not budge. I figured because our room and Kayden's were side by side he must have latched the doors together somehow. It was getting later in the day and he still wasn't back. I went to the window and my neighbor was walking back to his house. I yelled for him and he seen the truck was not there. He came to the window and I told him I had been stuck in the room since Friday! Kayden was to be home and I needed out, that the front door was most likely unlocked. We were both fearful of him coming home if he tried to let me out, but I think we both were just full of adrenaline. I had no clue what I was going to do when I got out of this room but I just wanted out! 

Was this all because he thought me and the neighbor slept together? All because he was to busy in the basement to be any kind of partner or father? I had one conversation ever with the neighbor in the presence of him. Yet a typical narcissist I was paying the price as if I had done the worst. I was stuck in a room and the neighbor was black and blue for something that never even crossed my mind!  

I heard the front door open and shuffling at my bedroom door I yelled my neighbors name and he told me to calm down. He said that the door handles had been tied together so I couldn't get out. At this point my room smelt terrible, I had not eaten a meal in 3 days and I just felt disgusting. He finally got the door open and he ran out. I felt like I could breathe although terrified where am I going to go? I can't say anything to anyone, do I just run? What about Kayden, he will be home soon.

That bedroom door was now open and I still felt trapped. I ran downstairs to check the cameras to see what all he seen. Everything was shut off, all the screens were black and I know they did not record. They were just set up to see in time motion. So the neighbor was safe! I panicked put my shoes on and ran, the only closest place was his brothers down the street but I knew he would know to go there. So I just kept running. I sat at a school and just cried thinking, "how do I get Kayden?' Time passed and I knew Kayden must have been dropped off at the house by now. I also knew he was home and has seen I got out and has not been able to contact me for hours. 

What do I do? I can not just leave my boy there with this monster. I again felt trapped. I knew if I was going to get Kayden I'd have to go back to the house regardless of what would happen to me. Calling anyone was not an option with who he was associated with, being a snitch in that world would have gotten me killed for sure. 

I slowly started walking back to the house fearful of what I was walking into all I knew was I had to be there for Kayden. At any cost to myself...

Trauma is not an easy thing to heal it is a life long journey. I have since done a ton of counselling and even EMDR Therapy. Events that happen in your life are sometimes triggered later on and bring you right back to where you were in that moment. I encourage you to reach out for help and start your journey of healing. I also know that if you are in this type of relationship getting out is not always easy, trust me I understand. You will see more as I continue to write my blog, trauma bonds and abuse is a hard cycle to break. However you can break them you are not alone. I promise. This one main event with trauma changed my life forever it is the main reason I work from home. A 9-5 job where I have to be somewhere from a certain time to a certain time makes me feel trapped. I then go into panic attacks, calling in sick and triggers. It is not an option for me to work a "job" so I am beyond thankful to do what I do now. So if continuing to share my story helps even one person I have done my "JOB". 

Be kind to yourself, Be kind to others you never know what someone is going through. 

Too be continued....