Will it end?

How did I get here and how do I get out? 

My home had turned into a hot spot, random people in and out, drug drops, and everything felt so loud. However I lived as if life was normal and just did my best to be the best Mom I could despite our surroundings. I stayed quiet and distant and I knew if all I focused on was Kayden we may just make it out of all of this. 

At this point the only place I was allowed to go was my parents or down the street to his brothers house who was thankfully dating my best friend. Yet going to my parents was always a fight, because he knew they did not like him at all and he could not control that situation. However he knew I would never have told them the truth about what went on behind the closed doors in our house. 

He was only getting deeper and deeper into this life of cocaine but it always stayed in the basement away from Kayden. Until it didn't... 

My upstairs loft in Kayden's room where I worked became a desk for cutting cocaine. So now my only "safe place" upstairs was gone I felt completely trapped in this life. I kept thinking the only thing I am thankful for is Kayden is to young to get up those stairs. How could this man not see this problem and how the hell do I get out of this! How do I safely break Kayden and I free?

If you have never been in an abusive relationship your probably asking yourself why did I go back to him? Why do I not just walk out the door and leave? Abusers have a way of telling you the right thing at the right time and they have a way of keeping you right where they want you to be when they want you to be there. It's the absolute most manipulative situation to be entwined into and leaving isn't always an option when your inside if you want to stay alive. 

Next door to our house was a guy about my age who started "working" with my ex and it did not take long before I was accused of absolutely everything between him and I. I had just put Kayden to bed and was watching a show in the living room, he came up to me and grabbed my phone. It was an old blackberry the one with the little buttons as a keyboard. Accused me of sleeping with the neighbor while he was downstairs selling drugs and twisted my phone until every piece of the keyboard was on the floor in front of me. I just sat there as he continued to snap my phone in half. All I could think of was all the pictures I had taken of Kayden are now gone. I cried and that didn't help the situation as he made it seem like I was crying only because "I got caught". I just remember sitting there because I had no idea where this was coming from or if I said anything what would he do to me. He told me to get up and pick up the mess, so I did and before I knew it I was tossed into the wall. He continued to push me around until he slammed me into Kayden's bedroom door and woke him up. As soon as Kayden cried he stopped. I thanked god for that. I got myself together and got Kayden back to sleep, as I walked out my ex said to me this isn't over yet and he went back downstairs. 

I cleaned up everything, grabbed my phone and cried myself to sleep. Now I had no way to contact anyone. I was alone. 

A few days later I told him I was going to my parents for dinner they had not heard from me in days. Which was normal because I kept my life a secret behind those doors. As I left the house with Kayden I remember my ex saying to me, "wait until  you get home." 

I had no clue what that meant but I soon did, I went to my parents and acted as if everything was great. Kayden was happy to be there and played with all his toys it was a place I could just be safe. It was the best few hours I had all week. It was getting late and I packed up Kayden and dreaded what I was going home to. As I drove home my mind went a million different ways. I pulled into the driveway and thankfully Kayden had fallen asleep in his car seat. I opened the door to the house and walked into the living room and dead stopped. 

There was my ex and my neighbor. My ex was holding a knife and he had the neighbor tied to a chair. His face was black and blue, bleeding, the knife had blood on it and I could see where he had stabbed him. Our neighbor just looked at me and I was just frozen in shock. This man is a monster is all I could think, he just did this to this man who didn't even deserve it because we had never done anything other than a conversation in my ex's presence before! I went to turn around and leave and I was instantly told to stop, he told me to stand there and watch. I told him,  "I have Kayden asleep in my arms what the hell are you doing?" He punched the neighbor one solid time in the face while I had to watch. Looked at me and said clean up your mess and dropped the knife into the kitchen sink. 

I stood frozen while he untied the neighbor and told him if he said anything it wouldn't end well. As the neighbor walked out past me I didn't dare even look his direction I didn't want my ex to do anymore harm to this INNOCENT person. My ex went downstairs and I noticed our dog was tied up to the back door. I am not sure how long she had been there so I quickly put Kayden to bed, and untied our dog she wasn't harmed but I was so sad for her. I started cleaning up, I didn't dare cry or say a word. All I could think of is what if I am next? How do I get this blood out of the carpet? I needed to break free somehow but I couldn't at this point he was so protected by the gang that dare I said anything it would have been the last thing I had said I am sure. 

As I was scrubbing the carpet he came upstairs looked at me and said, "that's all your fault you stupid bitch." then told me to go to the bathroom. He made me sit on the side of the bathtub, knowing I do not do drugs! He made me sit there while he smoked crack, hot boxing the bathroom and blowing the smoke directly in my face. I sat silent trying to breathe as little as I could to not end up high. This was a living nightmare I just wanted that bathroom door to open. I could not even tell you what all he said to me in that bathroom because I just wanted to get out of it! 

The door opened after what felt like forever and I got out! He went back downstairs and I ran to our room opened a window and just breathed! I don't remember falling asleep but I did. 

If was now Friday and his parents were coming to get Kayden for the weekend. I was getting Kayden ready for his parents to arrive soon and my ex said to me, " its almost your turn," and walked away. The doorbell rang his parents took Kayden and I had no clue what was going to happen next.