The Parts of My Story I Don't Usually Talk About

I don't really know how to start this.

Maybe that's because I've spent a lot of my life not knowing how to talk about the things that hurt.

It's easier to say, “I'm fine.”

It's easier to post the funny stuff.

It's easier to talk about new products, orders, markets and everything happening with my business.

It's a lot harder to say:

Hey. I'm struggling.

But maybe that's exactly why I'm writing this.

Because Shattering Silence was never created by someone who had her shit together.

It was created by someone who was trying desperately to find her way through her own shit.

And that's a part of my story I don't want to hide anymore.

---

I started Fineline Designs because I needed something.

Something that was mine.

Something I could build.

Something that gave me a reason to get up and keep moving when my own brain was making everything feel harder than it should.

I didn't start out thinking I was going to build some huge business.

I certainly didn't start out thinking I'd eventually have a mental-health movement attached to it.

I was just trying to figure life out.

And honestly?

I was struggling.

There were things happening in my life that I didn't know how to process.

There were things I didn't talk about.

There were days I didn't feel like myself.

There were days where anxiety controlled more of my life than I wanted to admit.

And there were moments where I genuinely wondered if I was ever going to feel like me again.

So I created.

I made things.

I worked.

I kept going.

And somewhere in the middle of all of that, something changed.

---

In 2019, I started what would eventually become Shattering Silence.

At the time, I didn't realize how much of myself I was putting into it.

I just knew I wanted to say something.

I wanted to talk about the things nobody wanted to talk about.

Mental health.

Addiction.

Grief.

Trauma.

The kind of pain that people hide because they're scared of what everyone else will think.

And in 2020, Shattering Silence Apparel officially launched.

And holy shit...

I had no idea what it would become.

Because it stopped being just clothing.

It became personal.

Really fucking personal.

---

One of the first designs that meant everything to me was:

You Are Enough.

Those three words came from some really dark places.

From grief.

From addiction.

From watching people I cared about struggle.

From losing someone I loved.

From being beside someone during an overdose and watching how quickly a person's life can change.

From seeing how addiction doesn't just affect the person struggling with it.

It affects everyone who loves them too.

And somewhere along the way I realized something:

There are so many people walking around carrying stories they don't talk about.

People grieving someone they can't bring back.

People loving someone with addiction.

People fighting battles inside their own heads.

People smiling at work while falling apart at home.

People who have convinced themselves that asking for help makes them weak.

People who simply need somebody to tell them:

You are enough.

So I decided I would say it.

Loudly.

Over and over again.

---

But here's the part people don't always see.

I am the person behind Shattering Silence...

and I still struggle with my own mental health.

I still have anxiety.

I still have trauma that can sneak up on me when I least expect it.

I still have days where I don't recognize myself.

I still have days where getting through the day feels like enough.

And lately, I've had to admit something I really didn't want to admit.

I've been struggling.

Not just a little.

I've had moments where I've felt completely disconnected from myself.

I've been exhausted.

I've been sick.

I've been overwhelmed.

I've been trying to keep being a business owner, a mom, a wife, a friend, a human...

while also trying to convince myself that I'm not failing everyone when I need to stop and breathe.

And that's hard for me.

Because somewhere along the way, I convinced myself that resting meant I wasn't doing enough.

That slowing down meant I was letting people down.

That if I created this movement around mental health, I somehow wasn't allowed to have my own bad days.

Which is bullshit.

I'm allowed to struggle too.

---

I think sometimes people see a small business owner and forget there is an actual human being behind the business.

You see the posts.

You see the products.

You see the packages.

You see me at markets.

You see the goofy shit I post on Facebook.

You see me talking about mental health.

You see the finished product.

You don't see me sitting at my desk wondering if I'm doing enough.

You don't see the nights where I'm exhausted but still working.

You don't see the times I've cried and then answered a customer message anyway.

You don't see the moments where anxiety has me completely overwhelmed and I still force myself to keep moving.

You don't see the parts of the story that happen when nobody is watching.

And maybe that's okay.

But I don't want to pretend those parts don't exist.

Because they do.

They are part of me.

---

And that's exactly why Shattering Silence matters so much to me.

Because I don't want to be another person on the internet telling you that everything is sunshine and rainbows if you just think positively.

Sometimes life fucking sucks.

Sometimes healing hurts.

Sometimes you go backwards.

Sometimes you have to start over.

Sometimes you need therapy.

Sometimes you need medication.

Sometimes you need to scream in your car.

Sometimes you need to cry on the bathroom floor.

Sometimes you need to admit:

“I am not okay right now.”

And sometimes the bravest thing you can do is stop pretending that you are.

I've had to learn that myself.

And I'm still learning.

---

The weirdest thing about all of this is that something I created because I needed a voice eventually became a place where other people started finding theirs.

People have messaged me and told me their stories.

People have told me about losing someone.

About addiction.

About recovery.

About mental illness.

About trauma.

About the days they didn't think they were going to make it through.

Sometimes people I've never met have trusted me with pieces of their lives.

And I don't take that lightly.

Sometimes all I can say is:

“Thank you for trusting me with that.”

Because I know how fucking hard it can be to say the words out loud.

---

I don't have some beautiful ending where I tell you that I've conquered everything and now I'm completely healed.

That's not my story.

I'm still in it.

I'm still figuring shit out.

I'm still having hard days.

I'm still learning how to give myself the same grace I tell everyone else to give themselves.

I'm still learning that I don't have to earn rest.

I'm still learning that struggling doesn't erase all the progress I've made.

And I'm still learning that being strong doesn't mean you never fall apart.

Maybe being strong is falling apart and deciding you're still going to put yourself back together.

Even if it takes time.

Even if it isn't pretty.

Even if you have to do it more than once.

---

So when you see Shattering Silence, I don't want you to see just another apparel line.

I want you to see my story.

The good parts.

The ugly parts.

The grief.

The anxiety.

The trauma.

The healing.

The setbacks.

The purpose.

All of it.

Because this isn't something I created because I had all the answers.

I created it because I had questions.

Because I knew what silence felt like.

Because I knew what it felt like to wonder if anyone would understand.

And because I never wanted someone else to feel as alone as I once did.

Fineline Designs is my business.

But Shattering Silence?

That's my heart.

That's the part of my story I decided to stop hiding.

And if I have to be vulnerable about my own struggles to remind somebody else that they aren't alone...

Then I'll keep doing it.

I'll keep talking.

I'll keep creating.

I'll keep showing up.

Even when I'm tired.

Even when I'm scared.

Even when I'm struggling.

Because I don't need to have everything figured out to have a purpose.

Maybe the purpose was never to become someone who didn't struggle.

Maybe it was to become someone who could say:

“I've been there too.”

And maybe that's enough.

Maybe I am enough.

And maybe you are too.

This is my story.

I'm still writing it.

And I'm not staying silent anymore.